I happen to be a member of our nations armed forces, and it's great (no sarcasm). I enjoy the pride that swells up inside me whenever I put on my uniform. Despite being largely in disagreement with almost everyone I work with on a personal level (insert a comment here about your particular political leanings, then just assume that I agree with you, but everyone else doesn't...), our professionalism and mission focus has enabled me to become friends with people I probably would not have ever given a second thought. In fact, in a different time-line, I probably would see some of the people I now agreeably work with and I would turn to my snooty-turned-up-nose friends and say something like, "my dear chaps, I do say, I think that gentleman is rather dense," and then we'd offer up a stuffy group chuckle. If I'm going to be in a different time-line, I'm obviously going to be annoyingly British. Regardless, I hope that I can continue to participate in Team America for many years to come.
With that out of the way, I'd like to reinforce all the things you've heard about the bureaucratic, money-devouring, 5 headed guardian of the river Styx that you have heard so much about. I am not the first person to complain about ineptitude and head-slappingly frustrating processes worthy of a Monty Python movie; but I'm going to be the one complaining today (luck you!). As a side note, I took some time off from writing this, your favorite blog, so that I could spend approximately 4.5 weeks in line for my military issued service ticket number for the other line that I actually needed to be in. Also, because I don't feel like going to military jail in Siberia for the next several decades, you and I are going to pretend that we're making fun of the DMV. Even the DMV makes fun of the DMV, so suffice it to stay, this little story is totally true, but I'm not going to reveal any details that could line me up for a quick trip out the door...of the "DMV."
Recently my "driver's license" expired, but I had a contract that said I was should have had another 3 months before that happened. I am not sure if you have ever tried to call the DMV to clear up a matter, but it usually goes like this;
I'll just call them and all of this will be cleared up.
*Ten minutes of ringing, no answer*
They must be busy, I'll try again in a little while
*Ten minutes of ringing, no answer*
Is this the right number? I should Google it...*
*Five minutes of ringing, hang up in frustration*
Ok, seriously, last attempt
*"Hello? Yes this is the DMV....uh-huh...no we can't do that over the phone, you'll have to drive the three hours here and spend two days going in bureaucratic circles. Thanks for calling!"
So I drove my oh-so-happy-behind the three hours to my friendly neighborhood DMV and what turned into a series of conversations that were so similar in substance that I had moments of panic that I was in a real-world nightmare version of Groundhog's Day. The conversations usually went like this;
Me: "Hi. You guys were supposed to give me a new license, but I have all this paperwork that you screwed up and it says that you are giving me a used toilet. I don't want or need a used toilet, but I would really like my license."
Worker at DMV who gets paid to fix these things: "Oh, we'll get that cleared right up! Can I see your paperwork? Ah yes, if you just go to the office across the hall we can get you your used toilet!"
Me: "Um...look, I don't know how to say this, but I am pretty sure you are deaf, or perhaps you're Broca's area just went into shock, cause you seem to either not be hearing me or not understanding me. I need a new license, you're supposed to give me one, and I have no idea why you are insisting on giving me a used toilet."
WaDMVWGPTFTT: "Oh right...You have to go to the Active Duty DMV for that. It's across town."
Me: "I'm 1,000% certain that your DMV is the one that needs to fix this, you guys wrote the contract and you're the ones who have to amend it."
Idiot: "Oh, no, that's not how it works. Head out to the other DMV and see if they'll get you a license based on your current contract, it might work."
Suddenly Balding Faster Man: "Right....I'll just drive out there and ask nicely. Ok. thanks?"
So I drove from my DMV to the Active Duty DMV, which was across town. Normally this would not be an issue, but I was driving between the two furthest points in a town, heading through several security checkpoints (the DMV is serious business). I queued up at the other DMV, waited patiently, and then finally got the opportunity to approach the desk and explain what was going on. Here was the response:
Person at the desk: "Oh, everything you told the guy at the other DMV to do is exactly what needs to happen. You were 100% correct and I am so sorry that you had to drive all the way across town to hear that. By the way, you are the most handsome, most intelligent, infinitely patient person on the planet."
Me: "Thanks."
So I headed back to the other DMV, just to be told that yes, of course they could rewrite that contract for my license! Why hadn't I just said so?!? They got right on it, and everything is all fixed, I should have my new contract in the next 5 to 452 business days (tops).
I take mad pride (MAD PRIDE!) in maintaining my DMV bearing, and continuing to be professional in the face of inane processes that do nothing more than make my life hell while simultaneously setting a pile of money on fire. And I'm going to continue to take pride and stay professional, but just remember that the next time you see someone who needs to get a form from the "DMV," so that they aren't issued a standard government used toilet, they probably don't want to talk to you because their brain has been mushed a giant, government issued mind-grinder.
I spent two days going in these circles. I had to leave my family, drop my own money for gas and food (thankfully a buddy took me in). I try, with all my might, to not complain and not blame the Universe for my woes. All that being said, however, does not keep me from leaving you with one final thought. I don't need or want your used toilet, please keep that in mind the next time you are trying to figure out a gift for Christmas.
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