My Lungs Have Roots and Other Observations Made While Zenning Out

If you've been following me (thanks, you) then you know that last week, I essentially gave up on day 1 of my 6 month adventure in a big way. Let's all agree to forgive me for that. Great, thanks. I am now approaching this all just a bit differently - much like the old adage about drinking water through a fire-hose, I should have known going into this 'project' that attempting to add not one, but 6 new positive habits, all on the same day, was a fool's errand. Yeah, I said fool's errand, cause I can shake-a-speare. I took a step back, and decided to gradually (kind-of) add these habits one at a time, one week at a time, like proper little habits that have good manners and don't piss all over the floor.

This week, I went with an "easy" one; writing in a journal for at least 5 minutes per day. My first problem was, in the grander scheme of things, rather sad. I hated calling it a journal, or even internally saying to myself "I should get some journaling done." It turns out my sensitive modern self was having some very 1960's era chauvinist mental hang-ups. 'Journaling' just felt too much like writing in a diary, which we all know is something 16 year old girls do to let out their frustration that all guys named Taylor are so hot, but they always like the popular girls. I have always, sometimes embarrassingly, been connected to my emotions, yet somehow, the act of putting some of my thoughts - which in the beginning were not even that intimate - on paper made me feel like a giant wuss. It angers me that I could be such an ape; I'm not some closed off patriarch who says nothing for fear of displaying anything as weak as compassion, or, heaven forbid, any emotion other than stoic. If you're wondering, stoic is an emotion if, and only if, your emotional range runs from John Wayne to Clint Eastwood.

I moved past my hang up in a couple ways; I stopped detailing the frustrations of my day in my journal, which served to put some distance between me and all those sensitive nancy-pants in the world. And two...well I just kinda pounded down my ridiculous misplaced chauvinism until it quietly went back to its whiskey corner. The result was immense; I wrote about things that plague my mind, but I never take time to flesh out and breathe life into. At one point, after actually putting thought into what I was writing and exploring - gasp - my inner world, I realized how much I used the internet throughout the day to stave off any moment of stillness and quiet. Got 4 minutes before that next meeting? Get on Facebook! Can that spreadsheet wait? Of course! Read this article about sex positions that ducks use and how mimicking them can increase your level of midi-chlorians!

Once I wrote it out, and gave that thought the space it needed to run free, I was able to frame it in a way that I felt I could act on it. The next day at work I was able to avoid the mindless clicking of the internet and occasionally enjoy the few moments where I had nothing to do. Outside of my regimented meditation in the middle of the day, this was the best part of my work day and increased the amount of focus I experienced. On the downside, I never found if the duck sex positions increased my Jedi powers.

The other benefit came from a daily list of 5 things I was grateful for that day. Once I moved past being a giant nerd jerk, I was able to actually thank the universe, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for things both simple and grand. A hug from a kiddo at the end of the day held equal weight with having a roof over my head and food in my belly. Despite my reluctance to admit it, that 45 seconds of gratitude at the end of my day that was manifested physically has served to reinforce a quickly strengthening positive outlook. Rest your eyes if you plan on being around me any time soon, cause they'll be rolling all over the place since I won't be able to stop telling you about how happy I am with Mother Earth and how I can feel my spirit centering. It turns out having a diary is exactly what I needed to remind me that my brain is capable of more than single-snorting at gifs of cats falling off of tables. 

And Taylor is so hot.

Week One: Your Strength is Weak

I'm usually really good at commitment. Following through on promises to myself is something I excel at; eating the last piece of pizza, watching 'only one more' episode of whatever happens to be assailing my senses, and actually brushing each 1/4 section of my mouth for the full 30 seconds. I'm not afraid of, nor do I shy away from, commitment. I'm the best friend of the lead in a Rom Com in the flesh; married with kids and totally excited by green smoothies and "sleeping in" until 0730. So, when I found my list of 8 (really 7, since I'm already married to my best friend) I kinda thought it'd be pretty easy, though slightly time consuming. I've never been more dead wronger in the history of wronginess. Despite the fact that I now suspect that the Internets' obsession with lists that can be consumed  in a mere 30 seconds is not a reflection of our short attention spans, but is in fact a government driven effort to program us all to convince us that substance is overrated.

*Insert meme of Admiral Ackbar yelling "It's a trap," here*

Just kidding - I'm not going to use meme's cause it takes a lot of effort and I don't need the rest of the world to speak for me.

Needless to say, displaying my epic failure in this, the first week of my 6 month project, would best be done in a list.

1. Meditate (or pray) morning, mid-day, and night.

Before this silly little experiment started, I meditated fairly regularly. Not the "ooooohhhhmmmm-you-must-first-see-yourself-in-the-glass-before-you-can-understand-the-universe," kind of meditation, but at the very least I would close my eyes, focus on my breathing and feeling my body and, to some extent, quiet my mind. I often did this at lunch, while at work, in my office, just for 10 minutes away from the hectic IT-MUST-ALL-BE-DONE-NOOOOOOOOW!!!! mentality of, well, everywhere. I also did it at night - a gentle voice talking over some gentle rain would gently talk me down into a gentle sleep. So far, so good.

When it was time to start adding it to my morning routine, my first thought was "that's cake...10 minutes. I can poop, shower, and shave in 10 minutes." It turns out that yes, I can do those 3 things in 10 minutes (it's usually 3 s's, you figure it out), but adding meditation to the list - something where I would close my eyes within an hour of just getting up - became much more difficult than I expected. I was so terrified of falling back asleep and not getting up until noon, that I found myself walking around with my eyes forced wide open, like some paranoid comic relief in a horror movie on the look-out for zombies/aliens/clowns/killer puppies.

In short, on average I'm 2 for 3 for the whole week, with only a slight increase in making sure that I hit my noon-ish 10 minute calm session.

2. Read or listen to 1 (ok, 1/2) book per week.

One issue here - the people these lists are based off of are mostly already rich. I'm sure I should use some kind of euphemism for rich, but screw it, they're rich. That means they are part of the leisure class, meaning, they have more time for leisure, ie reading. I bet Warren Buffet reads 9000 books a week because his work day consists of one phone call in which he loudly insists that he "said fusia, not purple, you degenerate," and then he goes back to his Kanye West biography (he's a big fan). I base this information off nothing more than the fact that I'm really good at assuming things. Here's the kicker - I finished a whole book, end to end, in one week the week before I started my challenge. Now that I'm in the middle of putting my money where my mouth is (which was one book every two weeks, cause I'm a wimp) I'm a little behind. I tend to read a few books at a time, taking a month or so to wade my way through 3 books, that usually fall in the following categories; novel, non-fiction, classic. Before this adventure began, I was reading; "The Child Garden," by Geoff Ryman (some pretty twisted/really good sci fi (insert pause for eye role), "The New Confessions of an Economic Hitman," (there really is a global conspiracy!), and "Moby Dick," which I'm pretty sure is a love story about techno-music or something. Now that I'm on a mission to read, at the very least, I have been focusing on one book (Confessions of an Economic Hitman) and I can say honestly that I feel guilty about leaving my other books just sitting there, calling out to be read. But isn't that the whole point of this? I increase my level of guilt which releases dopamine in my brain which increases my level of overall happiness, right? I might be missing something.

3. Write in your journal 5 minutes a day.

I did this....4 out of 7 days. Let's just say I get the value of pouring my heart out on the page, but everyday seems a bit...emo. Most of this writing consisted of a laundry list of what I did that day, which makes me feel like I'm missing the point. I also added a list of 5 things I'm grateful for that day (Lists!).

4. Marry your best friend,

Again, done and done.

5. Make a bucket list and actively knock things off of it.

I have finally started writing a bucket list, but once again I find myself just trying to find 4 minutes in my day to even think of things I would want to put on this list. Thus far there are a lot of things that tend towards activities that could release some aggression, which is odd, because all this meditating is making me a zen master...or that's the idea. The list includes; See Mount Rushmore, Take a Kung-Fu Lesson, Add Boxing to Cardio Regimen.

6. Fast from all food and caloric beverages for 24 hours.

All the LOLZ.

7. Do something everyday that terrifies you,

I didn't go nuts - not yet (no Spiderman fantasies fulfilled yet). I did, however, talk to people more. Given that my job requires a lot of verbal communication with strangers, you'd think it would come naturally for me to talk to people in the office. No. I despise small talk, and generally go with a cordial, but curt "mornin'." I did, step out of my box, and while I didn't engage in and small talk, I did actually hold conversations with several people in the office through out the week, maybe not everyday, but it happened fairly regularly. Daredevil level it was not, but definitely out of my comfort zone. Baby steps.

8.Stop consuming the news.

But Trump is tragically hilarious. I didn't really read any of the really depressing stuff (North Korea invades baby town, enslaves inhabitants/Kanye West refuses to release any music ever again), but to stop completely seems likes a disregard of my civic duty to be at least nominally informed. Again, baby steps.