Stardust

Warning: I may start waxing poetic at any moment within the confines of this post, and this is bad, because I can be extremely cheesy. Second Warning: I am comfortable in disclosing that I hold-maybe-a fifth graders level of understanding concerning astrophysics, "maths," physics-physics, and intergalactic diplomacy. Suffice it to say, everything I learned about outer-space comes from watching episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" after school in grades 3 through yesterday. A recent news piece got the my wheel spinning though (yes, I only have one wheel, and it does me just fine thank you very much). If you worry yourself to tears every night over the probably-maybe-impending-nigh-times, then you should jam your fingers in your eyes RIGHT NOW because the next few lines may send you into a non-cheeseburger induced cardiac episode.


Is everyone who is still here finger-in-eye free? Ok, here it goes. Scientists have recently discovered that the Universe, the whole cotton-pickin' thing, is going to end (in approximately 100 billion to 1 trillion years)! This isn't exactly a revelation (see what I did there) to some folks, but what caught my attention is how scientists now think it will happen. Is the Universe set to stop expanding and reverse course, ending in a a giant Universe crunching calzone? Nope. Is "The Final Count-Down" going to start blaring from everywhere in the ether at once while humanity makes it's final rock thrusts amidst flaming asteroids (meters? meteorites? "dwarf" planets?), supernovae and aliens with lazers, blazers, and Tazers? Sadly no, it will be much less dramatic. In fact, the new end that scientists have predicted will be the most undramatic thing in...ever (literally). A lot like if there were some kind of grand cosmic opposite to MTV's Real World. Yes, that is the most recent reality TV reference I can think of because I refuse to admit that I have watched any reality TV since the first season of Real World. Essentially, the Universe is just going to just go *fizzzzzzzzzz........* Imagine you spilled an entire gallon of milk into nothingness and that gallon of milk ran in all directions over your 4 dimensional counter-top (or 8 dimensions or however many dimensions you want!) and just kept going forever. Eventually, the milk would be everywhere, but in such small bits that it would in no way resemble your favorite cow excretion. Every little bit of milk would be so far away from the other bits of milk that they'd get super cold (and sad) and just kinda hang there...forever. 


As I recall, the guys and gals who have PhD's in "unintentionally ruining all hope" call this universe ending pile of sadness "heat death." Also, they did not use the metaphor of spilled milk, because they don't have half of a bachelor's degree in English Lit from a state university. Everything is just going to expand, indefinitely, until the entire universe is reduced to elementary particles that are total loners. The Universe is going to slowly get quiet and dark, like after that 5th shot of tequila and your last lukewarm toquito. Only the Universe won't wake-up with a hang-over because the Universe isn't capable of being dehydrated, because it has all the water possible, and also, it will for all intents and purposes be no more.


Is your wine glass full of tears yet (WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE GET TO DRINK WINE ALONE!?!)? Well, toss off that heavy weight dear reader, cause it's going to be ok (at least, as far as I can tell). First, lets acknowledge one crucial fact before we move on; those PhD's could be totally wrong. It's happened at least once before, when Galileo told Copernicus to tell the Vatican that the sun was made out of cheese (or something to that effect). But that's not my driving point here, because the level of sadness that this news could put on anyone's day is mitigated by some brilliant, albeit distant, bright lights. 


*Sap Alert*


We're all stardust. You, me, Hitler, Kanye and Kim and North. I found myself laying on the floor the other day, simply gazing at my youngest son. This occurred approximately 6 hours after I had read not one, but TWO articles about the Universe's demise that was right around the corner, if you really think about it (not true; the sun is going to expand in 5 billion years and swallow all the inner planets like Hamburglar run amok, and if we survive that, in yet another measly 5 billion years our galaxy is going to collide with the Andromeda galaxy and I think that means it could be really difficult to drive around in your intergalactic-government issued space pinto. THEN, 90 Billion years after that, heat death). Sorry, got side-tracked. I spent a full ten minutes watching him play, looking at his big brown eyes as they pierced the Universe around him with humanity's greatest gift; observation. The Universe exists because we're here to see it, and we're here to see it because a long time ago some stardust blew life into us (and now that sh@t is in everything and we can't get it out and that's what really makes your butt itch when you go to the beach). What finally calmed my heart (and my mind, which spends way too much time thinking about things that will happen in a bajillion years) was that a long time from now, my two sons and I, my wife, you, Hitler, Kanye, etc. are all going to be spread out across the Universe. My mind comforts me by convincing me that there is something poetic and justifiable about such an end. An end where we all are reduced to our most basic components and we share oblivion together; an unimaginable number of cold little milk particles shivering together in the deepest night.


Please note: in this post, I am referring ONLY to our physical presence in this world, with maybe a splash of what would best be called "spirituality." Folks who want to assail me with Facebook posts about the eternal here-after, please just...don't. I get it. I really do, but this is my little piece of stardust and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, let's end with something FUN!


Adventures in mis-quotes that I wish existed, pt 1:


"Nothing vast enters the life of mortals without a purse."-Softoakles

"If you be not of the house of Montegue's, I pray you come and crush some wine cups with the house of Catapult."-Shakesmear